Funny Jokes Blogger

Politically Correct

2009-09-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."

"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

Political Folly

2009-09-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.

He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

"A Republican," replied the salesman.

"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

"What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!" he replies.

"I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw someone!"

Poe Revisted

2009-08-31T07:17:00.000-07:00

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The
cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From
"Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I
swore. Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there
came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking,
angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry,
Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the
night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The
lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not
even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will
one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Perplexed

2009-08-31T07:16:00.000-07:00

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Overview & Application

2009-08-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the Head man do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most challenging. Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political sceneof the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president... ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic!"
* M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out the information form below and send it back to the White House at
president@whitehouse.gov

Name: ____________
Hometown: ____________
Sex: F__ Age: ____
Measurements:
(required for medical purposes)
____-____-____

How many beers it takes to
get you...
... Giggly
... Drunk
... Hot
... To lie to a federal prosecutor

Quick quiz:
You've always considered the
White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great
leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century
femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for
the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) MidEast policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars
with the other interns
b) reading and studying
c) late nights working at
the White House
d) late nights working the
White House

Score 1 point for each A, 2 for each B, 3 for each C, and 4 for each D. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Bill wants you !

Outlandish Expectations

2009-08-31T07:14:00.000-07:00

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Only in the US Legal System

2009-08-30T08:28:00.001-07:00

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

*** This is the funny part ***
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Obscene Phone Call

2009-08-30T08:27:00.001-07:00

A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it.

"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'ld like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

Not All "Blondes" Are Blonde!

2009-08-30T08:26:00.001-07:00

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

No Need for Courtship

2009-08-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

Nine Types Of Girlfriends

2009-08-30T08:24:00.001-07:00

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't
you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also Known As: The Fretter,
Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on
the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl,
Freewheeler, Unconscious Advantages: More fun than a barrel of
monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg,
Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship" Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky
Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining,
Unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you
like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout,
Perfection, The One Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

Newly Wed Antics

2009-08-30T08:23:00.001-07:00

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies.

Musical Score

2009-08-30T08:21:00.001-07:00

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

Musical Score How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it
would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will hit the ground first? Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Mouth in Overdrive

2009-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Military Etiquette

2009-08-30T08:18:00.001-07:00

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

MICROSOFT VS. GM

2009-08-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

Metric Cliches

2009-08-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old cliches... ;-)

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

obviously there will be more on this important issue still to come!

Merging Preference

2009-08-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

Directors at Daimler-Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotions, Directors at Chrysler conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the
soft "c."

Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have 1 less letter. There will be a growing kompany enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, Daimler-Khrysler akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.

Daimler-Khrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a determent to akkurate spelling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mess of silent "e's" in the language is disgrakeful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, people will be resepetive to steps such as replaking "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unekessary "o" kan be dropped from vords kontaining "ou", and similiar khanges vuld of kors be applied to all ozer kombinations of letters.

After zis fifz year, ve vill hav a really sensible vriten style. Zere vill be no more trubls or diffikultis and employee's vill find it easy to komunikat viz each ozer.

Ov kourse all suppliers vill be expekted to svitsh to zis for all business kommuniktion via Daimler-Khrysler.

Ze dream vill finally kome true.

Medical Terminology

2009-08-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked. She shook her head no again. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

May I Have Your Opinion

2009-08-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

Make Her Happy

2009-08-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

In the world of romance, one single rule applies Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
---------------------
- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
- You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station...-1
- You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb...+1
- You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away...-1
- You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.......+1
- You leave dishes in the sink............................-1
- You leave them under the bed............................-5
- You leave the toilet seat up............................-1
- You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........0
- When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
- When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
- You make the bed........................................+1
- You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1
- You check out a suspicious noise at night................0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5
- You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
- It's her father........................................-10

Social Engagements
----------------------------
- You stay by her side the entire party....................0
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a ollege buddy..-2
- Named Tiffany...........................................-4
- When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly... +1
- When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her on the rump...-5

Saturday Afternoon
-------------------------------
- You go to the mall together.............................+3
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car...+4
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sporting event...-2
- You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...+3
- You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional...0
- You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3
- Most of it snack food for watching football games.......-6
- You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den...+15
- Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
- Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
- Or adding a second floor...............................+18
- Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.....-6
- And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
- You visit her parents...................................+1
- You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
- You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....-3
- And the television is off...............................-6

Her Birthday
-----------------------
- You take her out to dinner...............................0
- And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
- You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player....+3
- You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing......+4
- And you stink...........................................+2
- And you're not half bad.................................+5
- You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...-2
- You give her a gift......................................0
- You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
- You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
- You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
- You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.....+30
- You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.......-10
- With her credit card...................................-30
- And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40

Thoughtfulness
---------------------------
- You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
- You forget your anniversary............................-20
- You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
- Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
- And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50

A Night Out With The Boys
-----------------------------------------------
- Go out with a pal.......................................-5
- And the pal is happily married..........................-4
- Or frighteningly single.................................-7
- And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10

Her Night Out
-------------------------
- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends.....+5
- She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late....+10
- You wait up............................................+15

A Night At Home
----------------------------
- You watch TV together....................................0
- You rent a movie........................................+1
- You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2

A Night Out
-----------------------
- You take her to a movie.................................+2
- You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
- You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)....+6
- You take her to a movie you like........................-2
- It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7

Flowers
----------------
- You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
- You buy her flowers as a surprise............+5
- You give her wild flowers you've actually picked yourself.........+10
- And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25

Your Physique
--------------------------
- You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
- You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
- You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-5

Finances
------------------
- You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
- Something she can't use................................-10
- Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
- And your kid needs braces..............................-30
- In fact, all four of the kids need braces.......-120

Driving
----------------
- You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
- You lose the directions and end up getting lost.........-10
- You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
- You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
- She finds out you lied about having a blackbelt.......-60

The Big Question
------------------------------
- She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
- You hesitate in responding.............................-10
- You reply, "Where?"....................................-25

Communication
---------------------------
- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
- When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...+5
- You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV...+10
- She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10

Looking for Help

2009-08-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Lonely Priest

2009-08-28T07:25:00.001-07:00

A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely
job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis.

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Little Ones

2009-08-28T07:24:00.002-07:00

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

************************************************

Brian, a "cool" teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by, wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. "Dad," he asked, "Would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved in the back of my head?"

"Sure," came his Father's quick reply. "But only if you add a Y to it."

Lil' Johnnie's Momma?

2009-08-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

Life's Situations

2009-08-28T07:23:00.001-07:00

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."

Life's Lessons

2009-08-27T10:25:00.001-07:00

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television's on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Life After Marriage

2009-08-27T10:24:00.000-07:00

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......

Kissing Currency

2009-08-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Kisses in The Dark

2009-08-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."

Kept in the Dark

2009-08-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

Two brothers were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into
his banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.

In the darkness was overheard, "Did you take a bite of your banana?"

"No."

"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind."

Keeping Track

2009-08-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the capitol building?"

The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Just Gotta Cut Loose

2009-08-27T10:13:00.001-07:00

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the
church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

Judgment Day

2009-08-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.

St. Peter: That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you?

Nurse: I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, etc...

St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?

HMO Executive: I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.

St. Peter: Oh, I see. Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!

Johnny's Little Red Fire Engine

2009-08-27T10:07:00.001-07:00

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Job Security

2009-08-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

For immediate Release
Press Release Re: Job Security
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers

Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of May 1998. News from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.

In the Light

2009-08-24T03:05:00.001-07:00

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrit!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Brandy', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."

In The Dark

2009-08-24T03:03:00.000-07:00

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

I Have Something To Tell You...

2009-08-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going.

As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"

Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."

Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callouse manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms.

Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"

Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries."

Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."

Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"

Jim said, "I accidentally left the window open and the cat got out. Well, see... it's like this... Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get the cat...."

How Deep Is That Thing?

2009-08-24T02:46:00.000-07:00

Two guys are walking thru the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

House of Flame

2009-08-24T02:45:00.001-07:00

A blonde's house is somehow set on fire so she runs outside to use a pay phone to call for help.

She gets the 911 operator, and is transferred to the firehouse.

"Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire. You have to help me!"

The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss. And how do I find your house?"

The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire. You'll see the big red flames."

Realizing now that he's talking to a blonde, the fireman replies, "No Miss. You don't understand. How would you like me to get to your house?"

Reacting with frustration, she says, "A big red truck. Duh!"

High Standards!

2009-08-24T02:43:00.000-07:00

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

Haiku

2009-08-24T02:40:00.000-07:00

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku... they would read like these:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working
'Windows' is like that.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Gorilla Removal Service

2009-08-24T02:39:00.001-07:00

Bob is opening his bar one day and is amazed to see a gorilla sitting in the oak tree in front of his establishment.

He carefully walks into his bar and wastes no time looking up "Gorilla Removal" in the yellow pages. He calls the service, and in nothing flat a truck pulls up with the words "JOE's GORILLA REMOVAL"
written on the side.

A man gets out of the truck carrying a loaded pistol and he has a fierce looking German shepherd on a leash.

"Now here's the plan," Joe tells Bob. "You hold the gun and I'll climb up the tree and shake the big ape out. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the German shepherd will attack him and go for his
private parts. After that, I just throw him in the back of my truck. Any questions?"

"Just one," says Bob. "What's the gun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog!"

Going to Extremes

2009-08-24T02:37:00.000-07:00

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

She went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."

God Will Save Me...

2009-08-24T02:35:00.000-07:00

There came a big flood, and the water around Joe's house was rising steadily..

Joe was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along. and called to Joe, "Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here." Joe replied. "No thanks. God will
save me."

Joe went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Joe, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Joe got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Joe, "I'll drop you a rope. Grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Joe fell in, and drown.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"

Glossary Terms

2009-08-23T04:10:00.000-07:00

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

Getting the Story Straight

2009-08-23T04:09:00.000-07:00

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

Gardening Advice

2009-08-23T04:07:00.000-07:00

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Game for the Pious

2009-08-23T04:06:00.001-07:00

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

Forgive me Father

2009-08-23T04:04:00.000-07:00

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Food Spoilage Test

2009-08-23T04:01:00.000-07:00

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

First at the trough

2009-08-23T03:59:00.000-07:00

This is an actual letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr Secretary:
My friend Bordereaux received a check for $1000.00 from the Government for not raising hogs and so i am going into the not raising hog business. What I want to know, is what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise raiserbacks, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each one of the hogs I do not raise.

My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400.00 in 1918 until this year when he received $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs. I will get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs, etc. I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $800,000.00.

Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs.

Yours very truly,
Octave Brussard

P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side so we can have a little ham and bacon to eat?

Fessin' Up

2009-08-23T03:57:00.000-07:00

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Farm Yard Johnnie

2009-08-23T03:55:00.001-07:00

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"

All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.

"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.

He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"

Famous Men

2009-08-23T03:54:00.001-07:00

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Error Messages

2009-08-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20) User Error: Replace user.

21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word.

"Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"

25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Equipped

2009-08-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

This is a True Story excerpted from a local radio interview:
The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

Emergency Landing

2009-08-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

Embarrassed

2009-08-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot
in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

Doing Well Today!

2009-08-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed. From then on I'm probably going to need a LOT of help.

Amen.

Dog's Duty

2009-08-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, he's just for good luck.

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog's she said firmly, " to find the fire hydrant."

Doctor's Orders

2009-08-18T02:39:00.002-07:00

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Distressed

2009-08-18T02:39:00.001-07:00

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, "Shut up! You're next!"

Disgusting Liquor

2009-08-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely
raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

Delirious

2009-08-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt? You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.

Deduction

2009-08-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?

2009-08-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Cynic's Approach to Love

2009-08-11T00:32:00.000-07:00

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Cure for Fast Women

2009-08-11T00:31:00.000-07:00

Q: How do you slow down a fast woman in Arkansas?

A: Put a governor on her!

Contrived Affections

2009-08-05T20:35:00.001-07:00

A shy collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl, but he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to give it a go, and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a her a letter of proposal.

HE WROTE :

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation. I have a strong inclination to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination - no doubt, without any hesitation, and very little preparation. What do you say to thesolemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation.

On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our augmentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,

To remain victim of your fascination.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE WROTE BACK :

Dear Mr. Victim of My Fascination,

Congratulations for your lengthy narration of full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.

You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and,

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain, unaffected by your affection.

Confidence Runneth Over

2009-08-05T20:34:00.002-07:00

At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."

Computer Tips

2009-08-05T20:34:00.001-07:00

* Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

* My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

* C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

* C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

* Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

* The name is Baud... James Baud.

* Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

* C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY...

* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* Backups? We don't need no stinking backups.

* E Pluribus Modem

* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

* A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

* 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

* All computers wait at the same speed.

* Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.

* Press to continue ...Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Just do something!!

* E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

* Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!!

* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

* DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

* Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

* Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

* Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* Read my chips: No new upgrades!

* Hit any user to continue.

* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

* I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

* Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate
objects.

* Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

* Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS!

* Will configure ones and zeros for food!

Create Your Own

2009-08-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

CREATE YOUR OWN CONSPIRACY THEORY!!

Choose one from each section:

Timothy McVeigh (or person of your choice) and...

___ OJ;
___ Vince Foster;
___ The Unabomber;
___ Deep Throat;
___ Jimmy Hoffa;
___ The National Geographic Society;
___ The cast of "Friends"
___ Other (fill in the blank)

In League with...

___ Heaven's Gate;
___ The Mickey Mouse Club;
___ The Church of Scientology;
___ The Trilateral Commission;
___ The AARP;
___ The Stanford Marching Band;
___ Barney
___ Other (fill in the blank)

Met Secretly...

___ Behind the grassy knoll;
___ In Jonestown;
___ On Hale-Bopp;
___ In a pumpkin patch;
___ On a blind date;
___ On the Geraldo Rivera Show
___ Other (fill in the blank)

To Plot the Destruction of...

___ The World Wide Web;
___ The National Endowment for the Arts;
___ Wal-Mart;
___ The New World order;
___ Professional wrestling;
___ Algebra
___ Other (fill in the blank)

In Order to...

___ Overthrow the government;
___ Lose weight;
___ Win the Lotto;
___ Get in touch with their feelings;
___ Find the real killers;
___ Make a bundle on movie rights;
___ Get chicks
___ Other (fill in the blank)

It's Fun! It's easy! Get yours theory distributed today!

Collections

2009-08-04T19:44:00.001-07:00

Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Code Word

2009-08-04T19:43:00.004-07:00

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Close Examination

2009-08-04T19:43:00.003-07:00

A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No"

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No"

Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No"

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Children's Perspective on Marriage

2009-08-04T19:43:00.001-07:00

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out.
-Anita, AGE 9

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE8

CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
-Bert, AGE 5

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7

Cheerios

2009-08-03T20:10:00.002-07:00

What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?

Doughnut seeds!

Checkup from the Neck Up

2009-08-03T20:10:00.001-07:00

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Charity Starts at Church

2009-08-03T20:09:00.002-07:00

After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you," he smiled, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."

Caught in the Dark

2009-08-03T20:09:00.001-07:00

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"

Car Trouble

2009-08-03T00:32:00.001-07:00

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

Butcher Dance Part

2009-08-03T00:31:00.001-07:00

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

Being Clever

2009-08-03T00:30:00.002-07:00

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.

"Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena.

"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?"

"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message, "COMFORTABLE."

Atonement

2009-08-03T00:30:00.001-07:00

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

As Good As It Gets

2009-07-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."

"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."

The third woman paused.... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Another Day at the Office

2009-07-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent of a sweatshop" and it bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you.

4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn't gotten used to the floor.

4:38 AM -- Gordon's back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm.... Wow! There's a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They've decided to call it Industry '99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, deud!

4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose. I don't believe that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Damn! I'm out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet.

4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.

4:45 AM -- Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don't know how they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from blinking while we upload their life's history during registration. Hmmm.... Maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver will do the trick.

5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least old Gordon's not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed. Took 'em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one I'm sure....

5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Man that hurts. Twinkie guts will do that to ya every time. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill's new estate. Damn, at the rate they're going they'll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to Washington. Oops! Maybe I shouldn't have said that. That's a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.

5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren't sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can't get my stock quotes.

5:22 AM -- Gordon called. Says they've got him in a back brace.
Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids
so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not
play basketball with him anytime soon.

5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I'll be testing today too. Oh well, I'll throw in a few extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.

5:37 AM -- Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it into the server in building 36. The bastards don't even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash it before the shit hits the fan.

6:13 AM -- Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to practically sell my soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for me that Bob had to go take a dump. Only problem was he had just started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to stop it and the frigging server went down. Oh well, he'll be so busy cleaning that shit up he won't have time to figure out what happened.

6:22 AM -- Gordon called back. His back is worse than they thought. He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he slipped on some dog poop that was out front and now they're worried he's going to sue 'em. They're admitting him for observation.

6:41 AM -- Jerry just got in. Man, he's such a prick. His "Pammy" just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with him just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their girlfriends. Think I'll call H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment.

7:19 AM -- Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery.

7:32 AM -- Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we're gonna have to re-do some stuff. Be back later.

9:17 AM -- Boy, what a ball buster. That wacko really trashed the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was no good because that moron Bob screwed it up this morning. God smiles on me.

9:49 AM -- Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news. There's another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh, better do some clean up work.

10:13 AM -- Finished re-formatting my drive and loading Netscape since at least it works. Now, I'm waiting for the system to finish loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in the trunk.

10:27 AM -- Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec meeting in three minutes.

11:45 AM -- Another meeting from hell. I don't know why they call them specs. You never actually see them until the project is done and off to shipping. I'm going to lunch.

12:12 PM -- Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don't know what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried booger. They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned time.

12:26 PM -- Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was too long. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I looked nice. Hmmm... I wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R. about the "lip lizards."

1:03 PM -- Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might have a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye contact with me while they were sucking face. I Suppose I could lie. Bitch wants me anyway; I can tell.

1:41 PM -- Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I think Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite me, you moron.

1:48 PM -- Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte. That should bring me down a little. Gordon's wife left a message on my machine saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down. They think it's permanent. Just hope the bastard can't talk either. I'm calling my lawyer.

2:16 PM -- Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy. Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy-Eats-My-Hammy down to her office and mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it wasn't even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well, something else for the lawyer.

2:29 PM -- Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy. Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that innocent look. Bradford, huh. That's your name? Okay, scumbag, the next virus will be named after you.

2:52 PM -- Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuill. Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer.

3:20 PM -- Oh shit! Damned lawyer called me! Gordon just croaked and the cops want to talk to me at five. The freaky bastard anyway. What the hell did he think I was, a frigging chiropractor?

3:51 PM -- Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant. Be back in a minute.

4:16 PM -- Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid. They say the stain won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's already kind of red.

4:58 PM -- Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment board on Monday. That ass Jerry. I'll get him and that prissy bitch too.

5:22 PM -- Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuill is working a little. These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month when I go to the store.

5:55 PM -- Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them. Damned Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already here because Jerry filed a lawsuit. Gordon's wife is on her way over with a gun.

6:29 PM -- Man, what a day. Gordon's wife was caught in the parking lot but wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin. Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist group. Just stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the hospital.

8:51 PM -- Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five stitches and some rabies shots. I still don't know what the penicillin was all about. They didn't even have any real coffee there. Gotta go get a cup.

9:00 PM -- Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my attorney. Ha, ha, joke's on them. We'll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy.

9:36 PM -- Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new asshole's system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.

9:58 PM -- Last code for the day. I finished the new voice help feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special. If you play it backwards it says "Pammy fucks the band". Man, technology is great.

10:25 PM -- Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow.

10:49 PM -- Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it last.

11:22 PM -- Couldn't find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them. God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.

11:43 PM -- Called mom. She said I didn't get any mail. No news is good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked if I would be home soon.

12:32 AM -- Well, I think the day is over. I'm going to crash if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to wake me up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight.

Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally coincidental.

American Advisory

2009-07-30T21:24:00.002-07:00

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink andsmoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.

The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

Thank you and good luck.

All in the Family

2009-07-30T21:24:00.001-07:00

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes
up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Adventures Away!

2009-07-29T20:51:00.001-07:00

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs
in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Additions to Murphy's Laws

2009-07-29T20:50:00.002-07:00

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Ad Funnies

2009-07-29T20:50:00.001-07:00

Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Acronym Overuse

2009-07-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

A woman hails a cab in NYC, jumps in and says to the cabbie. "T.G.I.F."

The cabbie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Huh?"

She repeats, "T.G.I.F."

The cabbie thinks about that for a moment and says, "S.H.I.T."

Not understanding, she inquires about the meaning of the acronym.

The cabbie responds, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

Woman's 4 Favorite Animals

2009-07-28T20:55:00.002-07:00

1. A Mink: to provide a beautiful coat

2. A Jaguar: to reside in her garage

3. A Tiger: to keep her happy in the bedroom

4. A Jackass: to pay for all the above

Teacher's Many Duties

2009-07-28T20:55:00.001-07:00

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.

Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."

A Tad Too Much

2009-07-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.

She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

Shuttle To New York

2009-07-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short
flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi

2009-07-28T20:52:00.002-07:00

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid
do it.

Natural Process

2009-07-28T20:52:00.001-07:00

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."