Pay attention

"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.

After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell

Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit!

Press clippings

From The Gloucester Citizen
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.

"Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
From The Guardian
"After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards'.

"The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
"Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick', is for monetary donations only."
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
"Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."
From The Times:
"A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guardspokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'"
From The Scottish Big Issue:
"In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of notbeing a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.

"'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be.' where upon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer -attempted to pull them apart.

"Several more Henrys -Smith,Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.

"The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed 'Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes':
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.

"This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow.

The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.


When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Two sides of the story

Her side of the story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!

So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.

But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.

I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

His side of the story:

Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.

Go on, tell them

This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one

Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.

How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.

Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse!

Instant Radio Silence. Advert.

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

Quick Tips

X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHIT!" and walk out.

The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out.
CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone.
JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head.
CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off.
AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane.
POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too many dead bodies for our liking.
RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak.
BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds. Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller skates.
HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December 26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented a 'SHRINKING' device.

Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.

Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.

Just watch their faces in the morning!