As Good As It Gets

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."

"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."

The third woman paused.... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Another Day at the Office

Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent of a sweatshop" and it bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you.

4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn't gotten used to the floor.

4:38 AM -- Gordon's back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm.... Wow! There's a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They've decided to call it Industry '99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, deud!

4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose. I don't believe that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Damn! I'm out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet.

4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.

4:45 AM -- Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don't know how they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from blinking while we upload their life's history during registration. Hmmm.... Maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver will do the trick.

5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least old Gordon's not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed. Took 'em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one I'm sure....

5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Man that hurts. Twinkie guts will do that to ya every time. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill's new estate. Damn, at the rate they're going they'll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to Washington. Oops! Maybe I shouldn't have said that. That's a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.

5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren't sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can't get my stock quotes.

5:22 AM -- Gordon called. Says they've got him in a back brace.
Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids
so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not
play basketball with him anytime soon.

5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I'll be testing today too. Oh well, I'll throw in a few extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.

5:37 AM -- Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it into the server in building 36. The bastards don't even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash it before the shit hits the fan.

6:13 AM -- Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to practically sell my soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for me that Bob had to go take a dump. Only problem was he had just started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to stop it and the frigging server went down. Oh well, he'll be so busy cleaning that shit up he won't have time to figure out what happened.

6:22 AM -- Gordon called back. His back is worse than they thought. He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he slipped on some dog poop that was out front and now they're worried he's going to sue 'em. They're admitting him for observation.

6:41 AM -- Jerry just got in. Man, he's such a prick. His "Pammy" just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with him just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their girlfriends. Think I'll call H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment.

7:19 AM -- Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery.

7:32 AM -- Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we're gonna have to re-do some stuff. Be back later.

9:17 AM -- Boy, what a ball buster. That wacko really trashed the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was no good because that moron Bob screwed it up this morning. God smiles on me.

9:49 AM -- Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news. There's another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh, better do some clean up work.

10:13 AM -- Finished re-formatting my drive and loading Netscape since at least it works. Now, I'm waiting for the system to finish loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in the trunk.

10:27 AM -- Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec meeting in three minutes.

11:45 AM -- Another meeting from hell. I don't know why they call them specs. You never actually see them until the project is done and off to shipping. I'm going to lunch.

12:12 PM -- Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don't know what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried booger. They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned time.

12:26 PM -- Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was too long. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I looked nice. Hmmm... I wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R. about the "lip lizards."

1:03 PM -- Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might have a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye contact with me while they were sucking face. I Suppose I could lie. Bitch wants me anyway; I can tell.

1:41 PM -- Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I think Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite me, you moron.

1:48 PM -- Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte. That should bring me down a little. Gordon's wife left a message on my machine saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down. They think it's permanent. Just hope the bastard can't talk either. I'm calling my lawyer.

2:16 PM -- Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy. Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy-Eats-My-Hammy down to her office and mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it wasn't even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well, something else for the lawyer.

2:29 PM -- Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy. Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that innocent look. Bradford, huh. That's your name? Okay, scumbag, the next virus will be named after you.

2:52 PM -- Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuill. Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer.

3:20 PM -- Oh shit! Damned lawyer called me! Gordon just croaked and the cops want to talk to me at five. The freaky bastard anyway. What the hell did he think I was, a frigging chiropractor?

3:51 PM -- Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant. Be back in a minute.

4:16 PM -- Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid. They say the stain won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's already kind of red.

4:58 PM -- Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment board on Monday. That ass Jerry. I'll get him and that prissy bitch too.

5:22 PM -- Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuill is working a little. These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month when I go to the store.

5:55 PM -- Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them. Damned Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already here because Jerry filed a lawsuit. Gordon's wife is on her way over with a gun.

6:29 PM -- Man, what a day. Gordon's wife was caught in the parking lot but wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin. Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist group. Just stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the hospital.

8:51 PM -- Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five stitches and some rabies shots. I still don't know what the penicillin was all about. They didn't even have any real coffee there. Gotta go get a cup.

9:00 PM -- Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my attorney. Ha, ha, joke's on them. We'll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy.

9:36 PM -- Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new asshole's system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.

9:58 PM -- Last code for the day. I finished the new voice help feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special. If you play it backwards it says "Pammy fucks the band". Man, technology is great.

10:25 PM -- Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow.

10:49 PM -- Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it last.

11:22 PM -- Couldn't find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them. God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.

11:43 PM -- Called mom. She said I didn't get any mail. No news is good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked if I would be home soon.

12:32 AM -- Well, I think the day is over. I'm going to crash if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to wake me up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight.

Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally coincidental.

American Advisory

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink andsmoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.


In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.


France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.


The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.


The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.


Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.


France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).


France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.

The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

Thank you and good luck.

All in the Family

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes
up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Adventures Away!

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs
in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Additions to Murphy's Laws

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Ad Funnies

Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Acronym Overuse

A woman hails a cab in NYC, jumps in and says to the cabbie. "T.G.I.F."

The cabbie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Huh?"

She repeats, "T.G.I.F."

The cabbie thinks about that for a moment and says, "S.H.I.T."

Not understanding, she inquires about the meaning of the acronym.

The cabbie responds, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

Woman's 4 Favorite Animals

1. A Mink: to provide a beautiful coat

2. A Jaguar: to reside in her garage

3. A Tiger: to keep her happy in the bedroom

4. A Jackass: to pay for all the above

Teacher's Many Duties

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.

Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."

A Tad Too Much

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.

She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

Shuttle To New York

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short
flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were wife would have the maid
do it.

Natural Process

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Mom's Dictionary

ADULTS: Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics like "who touched who first"

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child- sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunch time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.


EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.


ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEBREAD BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!" : Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of .15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."


MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A State of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.


TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of non-specific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.


VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

A Lot to Live For

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is
going to be loud!"

A Little Slip

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"

"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.

She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"

A Feathered Friend

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.


CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.

Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.

Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an eterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.

Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

A Divine Sign

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a
Rabbi... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!

The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest.

The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

A Day at the Bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."