Funny Jokes Blogger

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old cliches... ;-)

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

obviously there will be more on this important issue still to come!

Directors at Daimler-Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotions, Directors at Chrysler conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the
soft "c."

Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have 1 less letter. There will be a growing kompany enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, Daimler-Khrysler akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.

Daimler-Khrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a determent to akkurate spelling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mess of silent "e's" in the language is disgrakeful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, people will be resepetive to steps such as replaking "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unekessary "o" kan be dropped from vords kontaining "ou", and similiar khanges vuld of kors be applied to all ozer kombinations of letters.

After zis fifz year, ve vill hav a really sensible vriten style. Zere vill be no more trubls or diffikultis and employee's vill find it easy to komunikat viz each ozer.

Ov kourse all suppliers vill be expekted to svitsh to zis for all business kommuniktion via Daimler-Khrysler.

Ze dream vill finally kome true.

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked. She shook her head no again. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
---------------------
- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
- You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station...-1
- You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb...+1
- You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away...-1
- You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.......+1
- You leave dishes in the sink............................-1
- You leave them under the bed............................-5
- You leave the toilet seat up............................-1
- You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........0
- When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
- When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
- You make the bed........................................+1
- You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1
- You check out a suspicious noise at night................0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5
- You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
- It's her father........................................-10

Social Engagements
----------------------------
- You stay by her side the entire party....................0
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a ollege buddy..-2
- Named Tiffany...........................................-4
- When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly... +1
- When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her on the rump...-5

Saturday Afternoon
-------------------------------
- You go to the mall together.............................+3
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car...+4
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sporting event...-2
- You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...+3
- You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional...0
- You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3
- Most of it snack food for watching football games.......-6
- You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den...+15
- Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
- Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
- Or adding a second floor...............................+18
- Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.....-6
- And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
- You visit her parents...................................+1
- You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
- You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....-3
- And the television is off...............................-6

Her Birthday
-----------------------
- You take her out to dinner...............................0
- And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
- You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player....+3
- You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing......+4
- And you stink...........................................+2
- And you're not half bad.................................+5
- You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...-2
- You give her a gift......................................0
- You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
- You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
- You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
- You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.....+30
- You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.......-10
- With her credit card...................................-30
- And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40

Thoughtfulness
---------------------------
- You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
- You forget your anniversary............................-20
- You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
- Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
- And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50

A Night Out With The Boys
-----------------------------------------------
- Go out with a pal.......................................-5
- And the pal is happily married..........................-4
- Or frighteningly single.................................-7
- And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10

Her Night Out
-------------------------
- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends.....+5
- She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late....+10
- You wait up............................................+15

A Night At Home
----------------------------
- You watch TV together....................................0
- You rent a movie........................................+1
- You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2

A Night Out
-----------------------
- You take her to a movie.................................+2
- You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
- You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)....+6
- You take her to a movie you like........................-2
- It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7

Flowers
----------------
- You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
- You buy her flowers as a surprise............+5
- You give her wild flowers you've actually picked yourself.........+10
- And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25

Your Physique
--------------------------
- You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
- You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
- You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-5

Finances
------------------
- You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
- Something she can't use................................-10
- Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
- And your kid needs braces..............................-30
- In fact, all four of the kids need braces.......-120

Driving
----------------
- You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
- You lose the directions and end up getting lost.........-10
- You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
- You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
- She finds out you lied about having a blackbelt.......-60

The Big Question
------------------------------
- She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
- You hesitate in responding.............................-10
- You reply, "Where?"....................................-25

Communication
---------------------------
- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
- When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...+5
- You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV...+10
- She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely
job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis.

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

************************************************

Brian, a "cool" teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by, wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. "Dad," he asked, "Would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved in the back of my head?"

"Sure," came his Father's quick reply. "But only if you add a Y to it."

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television's on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."

Two brothers were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into
his banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.

In the darkness was overheard, "Did you take a bite of your banana?"

"No."

"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind."

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the capitol building?"

The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the
church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.

St. Peter: That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you?

Nurse: I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, etc...

St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?

HMO Executive: I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.

St. Peter: Oh, I see. Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

For immediate Release
Press Release Re: Job Security
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers

Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of May 1998. News from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrit!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Brandy', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going.

As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"

Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."

Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callouse manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms.

Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"

Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries."

Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."

Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"

Jim said, "I accidentally left the window open and the cat got out. Well, see... it's like this... Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get the cat...."

Two guys are walking thru the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

A blonde's house is somehow set on fire so she runs outside to use a pay phone to call for help.

She gets the 911 operator, and is transferred to the firehouse.

"Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire. You have to help me!"

The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss. And how do I find your house?"

The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire. You'll see the big red flames."

Realizing now that he's talking to a blonde, the fireman replies, "No Miss. You don't understand. How would you like me to get to your house?"

Reacting with frustration, she says, "A big red truck. Duh!"

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku... they would read like these:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working
'Windows' is like that.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Bob is opening his bar one day and is amazed to see a gorilla sitting in the oak tree in front of his establishment.

He carefully walks into his bar and wastes no time looking up "Gorilla Removal" in the yellow pages. He calls the service, and in nothing flat a truck pulls up with the words "JOE's GORILLA REMOVAL"
written on the side.

A man gets out of the truck carrying a loaded pistol and he has a fierce looking German shepherd on a leash.

"Now here's the plan," Joe tells Bob. "You hold the gun and I'll climb up the tree and shake the big ape out. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the German shepherd will attack him and go for his
private parts. After that, I just throw him in the back of my truck. Any questions?"

"Just one," says Bob. "What's the gun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog!"

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

She went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."

There came a big flood, and the water around Joe's house was rising steadily..

Joe was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along. and called to Joe, "Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here." Joe replied. "No thanks. God will
save me."

Joe went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Joe, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Joe got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Joe, "I'll drop you a rope. Grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Joe fell in, and drown.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

This is an actual letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr Secretary:
My friend Bordereaux received a check for $1000.00 from the Government for not raising hogs and so i am going into the not raising hog business. What I want to know, is what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise raiserbacks, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each one of the hogs I do not raise.

My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400.00 in 1918 until this year when he received $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs. I will get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs, etc. I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $800,000.00.

Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs.

Yours very truly,
Octave Brussard

P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side so we can have a little ham and bacon to eat?

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"

All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.

"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.

He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."