Contrived Affections

A shy collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl, but he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to give it a go, and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a her a letter of proposal.


Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation. I have a strong inclination to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination - no doubt, without any hesitation, and very little preparation. What do you say to thesolemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation.

On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our augmentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,

To remain victim of your fascination.



Dear Mr. Victim of My Fascination,

Congratulations for your lengthy narration of full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.

You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and,

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain, unaffected by your affection.

Confidence Runneth Over

At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."

Computer Tips

* Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

* My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.



* Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

* The name is Baud... James Baud.

* Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

* C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY...

* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* Backups? We don't need no stinking backups.

* E Pluribus Modem

* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

* A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

* 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

* All computers wait at the same speed.

* Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.

* Press to continue ...Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Just do something!!

* E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

* Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!!

* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981


* Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

* Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

* Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

* Read my chips: No new upgrades!

* Hit any user to continue.

* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

* I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

* Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate

* Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

* Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS!

* Will configure ones and zeros for food!

Create Your Own


Choose one from each section:

Timothy McVeigh (or person of your choice) and...

___ OJ;
___ Vince Foster;
___ The Unabomber;
___ Deep Throat;
___ Jimmy Hoffa;
___ The National Geographic Society;
___ The cast of "Friends"
___ Other (fill in the blank)

In League with...

___ Heaven's Gate;
___ The Mickey Mouse Club;
___ The Church of Scientology;
___ The Trilateral Commission;
___ The AARP;
___ The Stanford Marching Band;
___ Barney
___ Other (fill in the blank)

Met Secretly...

___ Behind the grassy knoll;
___ In Jonestown;
___ On Hale-Bopp;
___ In a pumpkin patch;
___ On a blind date;
___ On the Geraldo Rivera Show
___ Other (fill in the blank)

To Plot the Destruction of...

___ The World Wide Web;
___ The National Endowment for the Arts;
___ Wal-Mart;
___ The New World order;
___ Professional wrestling;
___ Algebra
___ Other (fill in the blank)

In Order to...

___ Overthrow the government;
___ Lose weight;
___ Win the Lotto;
___ Get in touch with their feelings;
___ Find the real killers;
___ Make a bundle on movie rights;
___ Get chicks
___ Other (fill in the blank)

It's Fun! It's easy! Get yours theory distributed today!


Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Code Word

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Close Examination

A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No"

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No"

Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No"

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Children's Perspective on Marriage

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out.
-Anita, AGE 9


"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE8


"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
-Bert, AGE 5


"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8


"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9


"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9


"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7


What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?

Doughnut seeds!

Checkup from the Neck Up

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Charity Starts at Church

After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you," he smiled, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."

Caught in the Dark

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"

Car Trouble

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

Butcher Dance Part

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

Being Clever

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.

"Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena.

"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?"

"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message, "COMFORTABLE."


Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."