Letters to the Welfare Dept.

These are genuine extracts from letters received by the Ministry of Social Security, which deals with Public Welfare:

1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday, I will be glad if you will get me a pension. If you don't hurry up with it, I wull have to get public resistance.

2. I am enclosing my marriage certificate with three children. One of them is a mistake as you will see when you look into it. I am writing to say that my youngest is born two years old. Why am I not getting allowance for it?

3. I enclose certificate with six children. One of them is a twin and died. You ask if he is christened. Yes, he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Chaplain in the Salvation Army.

4. The man I live with won't work as he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you search the records for him and let me know?

5. I am writing to you truly, yes, I was confirmed with a boy weighing ten pounds. Let me know if this is what you want to know because I have fallen in error with the Landlord and need it badly to pay the rent.

6. In accordance with your instructions I gave birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

7. I want money badly as quick as you can send it. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and he doesn't seem to be doing any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor.

8. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

9. Re your dental enquiry. The teeth at the top are all right, but the ones in my bottom are hurting terribly.

10. Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby two months old and did not know anything about it until a neighbour told me.

11. Please send me a form for milk as I am stagnant.

12. Please send me a form for cheap milk for having babies at reduced rates.

13. My son has been unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe.

Wit and Wisdom From The Internet

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark - professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Stupid Lawyer Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by who's death was it terminated?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Doctor Says

This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals ...

1. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

2. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

3. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

4. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

5. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

6. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

7. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

8. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.


1. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, it's better to have fingers than toes.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

7. Remember that half the people you know are below average.

8. Depression is anger without enthusiasm.

9. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

10. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

11. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

13. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

14. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

15. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18 Ways To Annoy People

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

5. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think."

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never Mind, it's gone now."

12. As much as possible: skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are.

14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

16. Go to a poetry recital. Ask repeatedly why each poem doesn't rhyme.

17. Sing along at the opera.

50 Fun Things To Do On An Exam That Doesn't Matter

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who in the world are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Darn this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Act like you to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes.

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

History Repeated

The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot...

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Bizzare English Translations

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. - Here speeching American.

The Laws Of Work

1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

2. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

3. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're
going to do.

6. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

7. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

9. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

10. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

12. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

13. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

14. Arriving at work early sets an expectation that your less ambitious co-workers will not

15. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

16. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

17. To err is human, to forgive is not a part of company policy.

18. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

19. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.

21. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something frivolous when the boss drops by your desk.

23. The people chosen to go to conferences are always the party animals with no intention of learning a thing.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. Following the rules will not get the job done.

28. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. No matter how much you do, you never do enough, let alone too much.

31. The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

You Know You're Getting Older When ...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. "Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

The Rules

Rule 1. The Female always makes the rules.

Rule 2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

Rule 3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

Rule 4. If the female thinks the male knows all the rules she immediately changes some or all of the rules.

Rule 5. The female is NEVER wrong.

Rule 6. If the female is wrong it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.

Rule 7. If rule 5 applies the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

Rule 8. The female can change her mind at any given time without notice and as often as she desires.

Rule 9. The male must NEVER change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

Rule 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

Rule 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

Rule 12. Any attempts by the male to document the rules may result in actual bodily harm.

Rule 13. The female may break any rule at any time.

Rule 14. If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Lessons on living from children.

"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." - Andrew, Age 9.

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mum told you to do." - Hank, age 12

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12

Real Estate Definitions

Looking for a home? Learn to read between the lines in those real estate ads.

"Sophisticated city living" - Next to a noisy bar.

"Old World Charm" - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

"Contemporary feeling" - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

"Close to Lakes" - Impossible to park from April to October.

"Wide open floor plan" - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

"Security System" - Neighbor has a dog.

"Needs TLC" - Major structural damage.

"Updated kitchen" - Sink no longer overflows.

"Motivated seller" - Has been on the market for 14 years.

"Convenient" - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

"Mint" - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

"Neutral decor" - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

"Move in condition" - Front door missing.

"Cozy" - No room larger than 9 x 6.

"Lower level family room" - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

"Light open spaces" - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

"Outstanding" - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

Actual Errors in Newspapers

"I's very happy," said Olga, a medical student in perfect English.

The house was trimmed in pink, white and blue with babies hanging from the ceiling and nursing bottles galore.

The 53-year-old candidate for the Congress, now of Little Rock, was born on a farm in Kansas City 68 years ago.


We are not responsible for errors in the Calfficied Ads.

To Mr. and Mrs. Ben M. , a son, 7 lbs. 12 oz. more to come more more mor.

We have received a new shipment of Arrow shirts for men with 16 necks.

We are happy to announce the engagement of Gene Kelly to Prince Rainier. He will now become a princess.

Smokers, the next time you light up, try Chesterfields if you really want a good choke.

Ann Landers will be glad to help you with your parents. Send them to her in care of this newspaper.

The fatal accident occurred at 125th Street as the dead man was crossing the intersection.

Charles H. Horn goes to Georgia Tech to study unclear physics.


The Tuesday matinee at the Arcadia Theater will be on Saturday this weekend instead of Thursday.

Four plays later he ran around his right end for three years into the end zone.


The sheriff said there are currently five openings at the county jail.

Mrs. Downs attended the flower show with her twin daughters, Mary, age 6, and Helen, age 4.


Mrs. Nelson was presented with a gift from the chapter in appreciation of work well done by Mrs. Ethel Anderson.

Clark Gable was injured in an automobile accident. The extent of his injuries are not known; however, the area in which Mr. Gable was injured is spectacular and scenic.



"The carnage on our highways can be reduced, but only if you give us the fools to perform the job corrects," said Gov. Hatfield.


About one third of all passengers flying between London and Paris travel by air.
In Chicago five men were accused on bride-taking.

Mr. and Mrs. Conway have returned from a week's fighting trip to Wisconsin.
In the ensuing struggle, the hijacker's pistol discharged, wounding the stewardess in the tail section.

The new mayor is an insurance agent and broke.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Great Dames for sale.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Driving Exam Answers

The following are real answers submitted in Driving Exams by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.