Funny Jokes Blogger

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The
cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From
"Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I
swore. Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there
came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking,
angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry,
Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the
night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The
lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not
even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will
one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the Head man do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most challenging. Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political sceneof the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president... ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic!"
* M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out the information form below and send it back to the White House at
president@whitehouse.gov

Name: ____________
Hometown: ____________
Sex: F__ Age: ____
Measurements:
(required for medical purposes)
____-____-____

How many beers it takes to
get you...
... Giggly
... Drunk
... Hot
... To lie to a federal prosecutor

Quick quiz:
You've always considered the
White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great
leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century
femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for
the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) MidEast policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars
with the other interns
b) reading and studying
c) late nights working at
the White House
d) late nights working the
White House

Score 1 point for each A, 2 for each B, 3 for each C, and 4 for each D. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Bill wants you !

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

*** This is the funny part ***
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it.

"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'ld like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't
you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also Known As: The Fretter,
Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on
the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl,
Freewheeler, Unconscious Advantages: More fun than a barrel of
monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg,
Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship" Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky
Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining,
Unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you
like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout,
Perfection, The One Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

Musical Score How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it
would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will hit the ground first? Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.