Funny Jokes Blogger

These are genuine extracts from letters received by the Ministry of Social Security, which deals with Public Welfare:

1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday, I will be glad if you will get me a pension. If you don't hurry up with it, I wull have to get public resistance.

2. I am enclosing my marriage certificate with three children. One of them is a mistake as you will see when you look into it. I am writing to say that my youngest is born two years old. Why am I not getting allowance for it?

3. I enclose certificate with six children. One of them is a twin and died. You ask if he is christened. Yes, he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Chaplain in the Salvation Army.

4. The man I live with won't work as he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you search the records for him and let me know?

5. I am writing to you truly, yes, I was confirmed with a boy weighing ten pounds. Let me know if this is what you want to know because I have fallen in error with the Landlord and need it badly to pay the rent.

6. In accordance with your instructions I gave birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

7. I want money badly as quick as you can send it. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and he doesn't seem to be doing any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor.

8. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

9. Re your dental enquiry. The teeth at the top are all right, but the ones in my bottom are hurting terribly.

10. Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby two months old and did not know anything about it until a neighbour told me.

11. Please send me a form for milk as I am stagnant.

12. Please send me a form for cheap milk for having babies at reduced rates.

13. My son has been unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark - professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.



Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by who's death was it terminated?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals ...

1. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

2. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

3. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

4. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

5. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

6. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

7. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

8. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

1. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, it's better to have fingers than toes.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

7. Remember that half the people you know are below average.

8. Depression is anger without enthusiasm.

9. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

10. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

11. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

13. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

14. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

15. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

5. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think."

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never Mind, it's gone now."

12. As much as possible: skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are.

14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

16. Go to a poetry recital. Ask repeatedly why each poem doesn't rhyme.

17. Sing along at the opera.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who in the world are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Darn this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Act like you to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes.

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot...

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Rule 1. The Female always makes the rules.

Rule 2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

Rule 3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

Rule 4. If the female thinks the male knows all the rules she immediately changes some or all of the rules.

Rule 5. The female is NEVER wrong.

Rule 6. If the female is wrong it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.

Rule 7. If rule 5 applies the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

Rule 8. The female can change her mind at any given time without notice and as often as she desires.

Rule 9. The male must NEVER change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

Rule 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

Rule 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

Rule 12. Any attempts by the male to document the rules may result in actual bodily harm.

Rule 13. The female may break any rule at any time.

Rule 14. If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void.