Funny Jokes Blogger

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

Musical Score How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it
would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will hit the ground first? Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old cliches... ;-)

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

obviously there will be more on this important issue still to come!

Directors at Daimler-Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotions, Directors at Chrysler conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the
soft "c."

Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have 1 less letter. There will be a growing kompany enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, Daimler-Khrysler akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.

Daimler-Khrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a determent to akkurate spelling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mess of silent "e's" in the language is disgrakeful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, people will be resepetive to steps such as replaking "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unekessary "o" kan be dropped from vords kontaining "ou", and similiar khanges vuld of kors be applied to all ozer kombinations of letters.

After zis fifz year, ve vill hav a really sensible vriten style. Zere vill be no more trubls or diffikultis and employee's vill find it easy to komunikat viz each ozer.

Ov kourse all suppliers vill be expekted to svitsh to zis for all business kommuniktion via Daimler-Khrysler.

Ze dream vill finally kome true.

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked. She shook her head no again. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
---------------------
- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
- You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station...-1
- You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb...+1
- You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away...-1
- You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.......+1
- You leave dishes in the sink............................-1
- You leave them under the bed............................-5
- You leave the toilet seat up............................-1
- You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........0
- When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
- When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
- You make the bed........................................+1
- You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1
- You check out a suspicious noise at night................0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5
- You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
- It's her father........................................-10

Social Engagements
----------------------------
- You stay by her side the entire party....................0
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a ollege buddy..-2
- Named Tiffany...........................................-4
- When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly... +1
- When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her on the rump...-5

Saturday Afternoon
-------------------------------
- You go to the mall together.............................+3
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car...+4
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sporting event...-2
- You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...+3
- You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional...0
- You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3
- Most of it snack food for watching football games.......-6
- You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den...+15
- Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
- Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
- Or adding a second floor...............................+18
- Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.....-6
- And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
- You visit her parents...................................+1
- You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
- You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....-3
- And the television is off...............................-6

Her Birthday
-----------------------
- You take her out to dinner...............................0
- And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
- You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player....+3
- You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing......+4
- And you stink...........................................+2
- And you're not half bad.................................+5
- You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...-2
- You give her a gift......................................0
- You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
- You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
- You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
- You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.....+30
- You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.......-10
- With her credit card...................................-30
- And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40

Thoughtfulness
---------------------------
- You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
- You forget your anniversary............................-20
- You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
- Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
- And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50

A Night Out With The Boys
-----------------------------------------------
- Go out with a pal.......................................-5
- And the pal is happily married..........................-4
- Or frighteningly single.................................-7
- And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10

Her Night Out
-------------------------
- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends.....+5
- She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late....+10
- You wait up............................................+15

A Night At Home
----------------------------
- You watch TV together....................................0
- You rent a movie........................................+1
- You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2

A Night Out
-----------------------
- You take her to a movie.................................+2
- You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
- You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)....+6
- You take her to a movie you like........................-2
- It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7

Flowers
----------------
- You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
- You buy her flowers as a surprise............+5
- You give her wild flowers you've actually picked yourself.........+10
- And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25

Your Physique
--------------------------
- You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
- You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
- You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-5

Finances
------------------
- You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
- Something she can't use................................-10
- Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
- And your kid needs braces..............................-30
- In fact, all four of the kids need braces.......-120

Driving
----------------
- You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
- You lose the directions and end up getting lost.........-10
- You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
- You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
- She finds out you lied about having a blackbelt.......-60

The Big Question
------------------------------
- She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
- You hesitate in responding.............................-10
- You reply, "Where?"....................................-25

Communication
---------------------------
- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
- When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...+5
- You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV...+10
- She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10