Funny Jokes Blogger

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely
job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis.

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the
church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrit!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Brandy', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There came a big flood, and the water around Joe's house was rising steadily..

Joe was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along. and called to Joe, "Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here." Joe replied. "No thanks. God will
save me."

Joe went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Joe, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Joe got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Joe, "I'll drop you a rope. Grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Joe fell in, and drown.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Dear God,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed. From then on I'm probably going to need a LOT of help.

Amen.