Funny Jokes Blogger

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

This is an actual letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr Secretary:
My friend Bordereaux received a check for $1000.00 from the Government for not raising hogs and so i am going into the not raising hog business. What I want to know, is what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise raiserbacks, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each one of the hogs I do not raise.

My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400.00 in 1918 until this year when he received $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs. I will get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs, etc. I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $800,000.00.

Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs.

Yours very truly,
Octave Brussard

P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side so we can have a little ham and bacon to eat?

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"

All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.

"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.

He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."