Funny Jokes Blogger

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain and a chief. The weather was misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and chief asked "How did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said "I've had enough of this, I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked "How did you get that?" The captain replied "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked "What happened to you?" The chief replied "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks and got hit by a train."

* * *

A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you, guys, have those big red trucks anymore?"

* * *

It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose. There had been a major tragedy at their local fire department. A large explosion had killed a firefighter, a captain and the chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The firefighter's brain was $10,000, the captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief's brain was a MILLION DOLLARS! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive. The reply...you see the chief's brain has never been used!!!

* * *

A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.

* * *

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates. He told himself "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line." He went to the angels guarding the gates and said "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir." While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was pissed and went to talk to the angels. He asked "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied "You have it all wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way!" the driver said.

* * *

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added "Ever catch all the fish?"

* * *

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

* * *

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied "Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

* * *

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

Guy: "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

Officer: "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

Guy: "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

Officer: "Well, then, we need a urine sample."

Guy: "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

Officer: "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

Guy: "I can't do that, officer."

Officer: "Why not?"

Guy: "Because I'm drunk."

* * *

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

Driver: "Why'd you do that?"

Trooper: "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver: "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

Passenger: "What'd you do that for?"

Trooper: "Just making your wishes come true."

Passenger: "Huh?"

Trooper: "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

* * *

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

* * *

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

* * *

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

* * *

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested.

So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by.

The driver did a double take and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

* * *

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

"I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.